Okay, this illness shit has got to go. I'm standing in the kitchen, thinking about Matt's latest post on his blog and trying to remember the opposite of guilty. I stand there, instant coffee in one hand, spoon in the other, kettle bubbling next to me, thinking "Unguilty? That's not right. Non-guilty? No. Disguilty? Gah!" Finally, after ten minutes of this, I realise it's innocence (the word I was looking for in context, though Psi pointed out the possibility of guiltless also) and I would like to say that ten minutes is fast compared to the 4 hours I spent waiting for Psi to get home to help me work out what word "sounds sort of like "correlative", possibly starts with "r" and means that, you know, something is kinda like something else." (The word, by the way, was "derivative".)
I've had it. I want my words back, or at least the ready acess I had to them once. My language usage and grammar is shot to hell, which (along with the inability to concentrate and the way my brain fails to find any form of clarity) fucks over my PhD and my writing...? Ah, my writing.
I spent three hours tonight (and several random evenings over the last two months) trying to make a decision about the first four paragraphs of my current piece of prose. I've been working on this, on and off, for five years (though for only one in it's current form) and I have three definite paragraphs (which mostly work) and five maybes, which I am really not happy with, and it is several of the latter group with which I have been struggling. I can't decide: I have to either change the style, get the feeling I'm going for and lose chunks of what the character wants to say, or leave it as it is and have it be stale and unemotive, without feeling. So, I'm sitting here, staring at these blocks of text, trying to find a way to get both but my head isn't working and I can't find any words to improve the stale, unemotive images in front of me, trying to find a way to make it clear without giving away too much, can't find the damn words. Driving myself crazy, 'cause I can't accept that this is probably something that I am not going to be able to do as long as I am sick. That I may never be able to write the way I could again.
But, hey, in the end, what difference does it make? Just having a winge really.
I've had it. I want my words back, or at least the ready acess I had to them once. My language usage and grammar is shot to hell, which (along with the inability to concentrate and the way my brain fails to find any form of clarity) fucks over my PhD and my writing...? Ah, my writing.
I spent three hours tonight (and several random evenings over the last two months) trying to make a decision about the first four paragraphs of my current piece of prose. I've been working on this, on and off, for five years (though for only one in it's current form) and I have three definite paragraphs (which mostly work) and five maybes, which I am really not happy with, and it is several of the latter group with which I have been struggling. I can't decide: I have to either change the style, get the feeling I'm going for and lose chunks of what the character wants to say, or leave it as it is and have it be stale and unemotive, without feeling. So, I'm sitting here, staring at these blocks of text, trying to find a way to get both but my head isn't working and I can't find any words to improve the stale, unemotive images in front of me, trying to find a way to make it clear without giving away too much, can't find the damn words. Driving myself crazy, 'cause I can't accept that this is probably something that I am not going to be able to do as long as I am sick. That I may never be able to write the way I could again.
But, hey, in the end, what difference does it make? Just having a winge really.
4 comments:
that's what blogs are for. you'll get it back, just keep working on it.
if it makes you feel better, i haven't really written anything in three years so at least you're writing right?
tim what are talking about? who's anonymous? have you gone crazy? is that why you haven't posted. *jess slowly backs away*
There was but I deleted quite a while before your post showed up. Dunno. I'm still confused about your comment though.
At least I know you're still alive. ;)
Also, I haven't had any spam since I put on word verification!
Fight the power... I mean 'fight the illness'... yeah, that's what i meant.
Seriously though, I dont believe in much, but I do believe in my friends. I believe you will beat this thing, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you will beat it. This wont last forever.
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