I don't know what I should do. I've been living with the same shit for ten years and everytime I try to actually deal with it - make an attempt to stop spending my entire life living in pain and terror - I end up upsetting nearly all the people I care about to the point where they shun my company or eat themselves up over it. So this leaves me in a rather awkward position. Do I abandon all attempts to deal with this crap - just live with the panic and the loneliness and hide away every spring - on the basis that I love these people and I'm just hurting them and myself in the progress? Or do I keep struggling with this, risk losing everything I care about for the opportunity to have some peace, maybe, one day in the distant future?
Apparently, according to popular opinion, I am a wonderful person. I'm intelligent and talented and creative. I am quirky and can be funny and fun when I can find a way to be relaxed. I'm sharing and enthusiastic and giving and even, on occasion, flamboyant. I care intensely about people, especially my friends, and want to take care of the world, especially those closest to me. I am both good and nice. But how long will people wait to be able to experience that without all the hurt that gets in the way? Will anyone wait?
I don't want to lose the good things I have. I don't want to push people away. I don't want to hurt anyone through my pain. But I need help. I need support. I'm not asking for therapists. I need my friends, friends who will listen to me ramble and offer me comfort, maybe advice. I don't expect anyone to solve anything or to save me. I want my friends to help me save myself.
I'm making this up as I go along. If I hurt anyone, it is unintentional. I'm just trying to find a way to get out of this... mess that has been forced upon me. Before I drown.
Apparently, according to popular opinion, I am a wonderful person. I'm intelligent and talented and creative. I am quirky and can be funny and fun when I can find a way to be relaxed. I'm sharing and enthusiastic and giving and even, on occasion, flamboyant. I care intensely about people, especially my friends, and want to take care of the world, especially those closest to me. I am both good and nice. But how long will people wait to be able to experience that without all the hurt that gets in the way? Will anyone wait?
I don't want to lose the good things I have. I don't want to push people away. I don't want to hurt anyone through my pain. But I need help. I need support. I'm not asking for therapists. I need my friends, friends who will listen to me ramble and offer me comfort, maybe advice. I don't expect anyone to solve anything or to save me. I want my friends to help me save myself.
I'm making this up as I go along. If I hurt anyone, it is unintentional. I'm just trying to find a way to get out of this... mess that has been forced upon me. Before I drown.
6 comments:
Okay... I'm going to respond to this. I may well be going to say things you find hurtful, and if I do, I apologise. But if you honestly want to know, I figure saying something and trying to help has got to be better than nothing. Please take this as it is intended - as an attempt to be straightforward and honest, not to hurt you.
You may not be asking for therapists, but you /should/ be. One of the reasons that many of us burn out trying to help you is the sheer feeling of uselessness, never being able to get anywhere. The amount of time spent, the utter lack of any (apparent) progress, the fact that the next day never seems to be any better than the last, even in the slightest... we feel like we can't do anything. We feel like we're going in circles, and it is beyond our ability to help. We (at least, those of us I have discussed this with) think you should probably be seeing someone trained to help you through this, since there are people who have made it their life's work to help people with your problems. We just don't know what we can do. And fair enough, you say that you just need us to hang out and be friends, but from all experience that doesn't seem to /work/. Nothing changes.
I do not mean to make this sound like I am saying it is your fault. I'm not somebody who has enough of an understanding of the complexities of your situation to say /why/ things are the way they are, and I am a person who prefers to think better of somebody unless proven otherwise.
Obviously, we care about you. But - through what has happened to you, not through your own fault - you are a high maintenance friend. You must know this. You need a lot, and because you try to give to others instead of taking care of /yourself/, you need a lot /more/. We have trouble because we just can't uphold that level of support for long (personally, I don't know that anybody can). And (this is going to sound accustory, there's no two ways about it, but fuck, /somebody/ has to actually say it) many of us feel like every time we try to take a break - to recharge, to rest, to have some fun for ourselves - we are made to feel guilty about it. "Manipulation" is a horrible word to apply to this, and once again, I'm not going to try and claim that there is or isn't any intent behind it - but the bottom line is, it does often come across that way.
In short, we want to help, but we don't feel like we /can/, and we don't feel like we /are/.
Probably the nastiest thing of all is that, for the most part, you try too hard to give to us. I am not speaking for anybody else when I say this, it's just my personal feeling on the situation. You worry and stress and waste so much energy trying to give, when really - it's like that silly coins metaphor - you don't have the capacity for it. You would be better off caring for yourself. Maybe it's not the case, but I believe you would be better able to cope with things if you stopped trying to focus outside so much, and really stopped to dedicate yourself to... well, yourself.
Argh. Maybe I'm just talking out my arse. But this is what I think. Take it with a grain of salt, or don't take it at all - I just hope it can help somehow.
*deep breath* Okay. I see and understand your point of view. And have several things to say.
Therapists: as much as I distrust the damn things, there is stuff under way in actually finding a qualified psychologist at the moment. The main problems with that are the fact that I have very little disposable income and my health is too bad for me to find my own way to a therapist. But these things are surmountable and, I agree, I need a therapist.
I also need my friends. I am frequently high maintenance, it's true. As for making people feel guilty... well, it certainly isn't my intent. I am the first one to tell people that they should take breaks. I don't want to run my friends into the ground. I don't expect 100% support from everyone all the time. I do everything I can to reassure people that they do help and that they should take care of themselves and let me help them do so. I can't read minds, I can't force people to take care of themselves or necessarily even tell when it's too much. Only the person in question can do that. And some of my friends do, those that help the most. They set boundaries and mostly keep to them. Those friends who try to do too much, then buckle under the pressure - who don't listen to me when I suggest a break or double check with them - what help they give is undermined by the fact that they then get angry with me for not being better or for asking too much, or get upset with themselves and feel guilty. Or both.
When the support is there, it does help. Things /have/ changed, alot. And that's the most I can do to let you know that. This is not something that's going to go away overnight. No one can chant some magic phrase and solve the problem. This is a long haul problem and it /is/ getting better, especially through the help of friends. If it isn't obvious, then you need to take my word on it. It is better. Every day. At the same time, dealing with it puts it at the forefront of my mind which means that, for a while, though things are actually getting better, things are going to /look/ worse. But it doesn't mean that they /are/ worse.
As for the other... if I focus on myself, try to take care of myself without offering support to others, I get friends bitching about me behind my back and complaining to my face for not taking care of them. And then those people withdraw any support they were offering. And the friends who help and support me the most, I need to offer the same support to. This is part of what friendship means: it's a two-way street, it's taking care of one another, it's give-and-take. I offer the support I ask for. It should only be a problem if the answering support isn't forth-coming or if my support is not accepted, both of which are beyond my control. It is my nature to want to help and to give and these are not things I would change about myself for all the world.
ok, here's some advice.
take a day or a week or mayb even a month if need be and just stop. meditate,ask god for clarity, pray and recoup. figure out what EXACTLY is wrong and THEN work on getting better.
professional help maybe necessary and there's no shame there. the point really is that you can't take care of others WITHOUT FIRST taking care of yourself.
this is why i say there's no such thing as selflessness. it's a)impossible to do/be all the time b)no matter what you do in life you're always getting something out of it, whether it be material or something deeper and c)if you don't take care of yourself, give you body,mind and soul what they need you have nothing to actually give to other people.
learn how to tend to yourself in whatever fashion is needed, this is another thing that can come out of meditation, and do it. take care of yourself so you can then take care of others. i'm sure even jesus enjoyed a nice piece of fruit off to himself once in awhile.
nehoo, those are my two cents.
Karen
I was just stopping by to have a look at your blog, as I do from time to time, and felt I should add a few comments.
It saddens me to know that you are still as unwell, mentally, as you were ten years ago.
You are a fantastic person, under the fog of all your self doubt, insecurity and most of your depression.
I truly believe that many of your problems stem from being in a prolonged, depressed state. CFS often goes hand in hand with depression and can one of the reasons it's so hard to shift it.
Therapy is worth it's weight in gold, it will provide you with an outlet and tools to break this cycle. You have some destructive past issues that won't go away unless they're dealt with. Look for therapists linked to government programs which are covered under the medicare system, it will make it much more affordable for you. I know this is available, as I'm currently seeing one. Also, be fussy about the therapist you choose, there are many qualified people out there but you need to connect personally with them for the treatment to be beneficial.
As an old friend, I hope you can consider this advice, not as an attack, but more as a concerned result of an observation over time.
Much love to you Kay.
Lara
x
Lara! *hugstight* Thank you. Thank you very much.
You definitely need your friends for love and support. But for really, really helping you through your deeper "issues" (ugh, HATE that word, it sounds so emo) you ALSO need a trained professional.
Also echoing what Fox said, both in words and sentiment.
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