there's a rainbow under my bed

"20 years – and here I am, still working, which matters to me, though I confess that much of the media treatment over that time has made me feel like someone who sits down at the keyboard to play only to have the lid slammed down on her fingers – not once, but many times. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t feel sorry for myself, though I have been known to get under the bed – yes right under it, repeating over and over again, ‘I don’t want to be hurt anymore.’ But I know that comes from an old place too, and a place that will never be healed. That doesn’t matter; we write from our wounds – our strength is that we write at all.

"I know that writing is what I should do – the answer to the question, ‘why am I here?’ I know that people often wish they could answer this question, and that I am lucky that I am able to do so. But it is clear to me that even if you do know why you are here and even if you are getting on with it, which is your duty and your right, there are plenty of others who will want to tell you how pointless you are.

...

But, and it makes me sad to say it, there are times when I am writing this new book, when I think, ‘do I really want to put myself through all this rubbish again?’ I don’t dread it but it depresses me and it makes it harder to write at all, some days. There will be the lifestyle stuff, the media froth, really stupid people writing really stupid things – and of course I know exactly what happens if you hit back – they come for your blood. I won’t be hitting back but I might well be disappearing. There is only so much you can take, and maybe I have taken enough of it by now.

And if I say that I love life, love my work and find happiness in the smallest things, will you understand?

~ Jeanette Winterson ~