see how it glitters

The last few days there seems to have been a lot of discussion about St Valentine's Day. My Dragon talked about the fact that this is the first time he's had cause to celebrate the day and how lonely the others were. Talen seemed to have assumed that my day would be taken up with Jon, moreso than any other day. Karen wrote about the day as a day of exclusion and about unrealistic notions of romantic love.

But St. Valentine's Day was never especially important to me. When single, it was a day like any other, maybe as excuse to give a gift to someone you love. When in a relationship, I've always been surprised when someone gave me a gift: I never expect one and never give one. It's not that I think it's tacky or a creation of hallmark to sell more cards. I have no philosophical objection to it. I just never really considered it important.

So what does St. Valentine's Day mean? I know where it comes from. I know about Lupercalia, about various possible St. Valentines, about Chaucer's Parliament of Fowls and about religious persecution in the war between Catholics and Protestants. I know about lotteries of love and worship, about beating the hands of children to promote fertility, about fated or chosen partners for the coming year. But what does it mean now?

It seems to a lot of people it means loneliness and misery because they're not in a relationship. That for a lot of people it's about exclusion, like Karen wrote:

Valentine's Day: a day of exclusion. A day for couples to celebrate their love in grand and very public ways—ways involving cards, teddy bears and flowers, and romantic dates in low-lit restaurants—ways that revolve around two (not one, not three, not four)—ways that all say us and our, not you (singular), not me. It's a day—a day like any other—and yet it's the loneliest day of the year. The whole world is paired up, but you are not. The whole world is in love, but you are not.

For others, it's about chocolate and flowers and things that melt away in a few day, the outward show. The romantic equivalent of a one night stand or courtly love which is, by definition, a relationship that is impossible, where one member of the pair is always out of reach and often fickle.

But Lupercalia was the feast of Juno, not Aphrodite. Juno who ruled fertility and marriage, rather than sexuality and romantic love. It was about long-lasting relationships. And the most likely candidate for the St. Valentine in question was martyred for secretly marrying couples when marriage was made illegal in Rome. So is St. Valentine's Day a celebration of deep love and long-lasting relationships?

For me, when I thought about it at all, St. Valentine's Day has been about love, in all its forms. Not just the love between me and my Dragon, but also between me and all of the people I care about. One of the best Valentine's Day cards I ever received came from Sonia, one of my friends from high school, when we made cards in Ancient History. (You guessed it, Roman history.) We were each given a little slip of cardboard to decorate and give to someone. Sonia's looked like this:
(Yes, I still have it. I'm a writer and a hoarder.) It had written on the back "Not really a Valentine" and was accompanied by a note which read thus:

13.2.95

Dear Karen,

People say that love finds you when you don't look for it. Ok. So I ask you... when does a person not look for love? Easy, when you are asleep! Yeah, right, while I sleep all these gorgeous hunks are going to be knocking on my door saying, 'Sonia. You weren't looking for love... so here I am!"

Don't stress. If females live for 70 years, you still have (70-17=53) 53 yrs left to find HIM.

I ask you what can be more depressing than receiving no Valentine Day cards? Getting a Valentine Day note from a friend!

Luv Sonia.

To me, this is more important than the irises Chris sent me or Daniel (a lion given to me by Scott, though he has seen a lot of love.)

To my mind, all the things that St. Valentine's Day traditionally celebrated, should be celebrated every day, in every part of all of our relationships. That's love, real love that lasts. But, at the same time, it's nice to have a reminder that while the little things - folding his sheets, making her coffee, listening to one another, sharing with one another - are what make up the main body of a relationship and are what holds everything together, a surprise gift of something non-essential, like a dinner or some roses or jewelry, can make that relationship shine brighter and make the other person feel valued and held up to the light.

Why is it that Valentine's Day makes people feel excluded if it's not longing for a romantic relationship? And what is it that makes people long so much for that if its not for someone to look at them and value them and to have someone to similarly value?

To feel valued.