I am depressed. More so than normal because of the whole being chronically ill thing. Going out is hugely tiring, my mind feels sluggish at the best of times, I never seem to get enought sleep (though at least the CFS has dealt with my insomnia, if not the cause of said insomnia), my memory is shot to hell and doing anything seems either too exhausting or downright impossible, my whole body aches, I'm nauseous and dizzy and exhausted all the time, I don't have the concentration span for television for fuck's sake, and thinking is like breathing mud. Being sick all the time (apart from being no fun in its own right) means I feel awfully cut off from friends (and family, since they live in Sydney), since there is very little effort on the part of others (though, thank you Steve, for lunch today) and I find it very difficult to - and sometimes physically can't - leave the house. Only when Steve or Naomi (or, of late, Tim's mother) are willing to drive me around am I capable of even making it in to uni to see my supervisor (not that I've been capable of doing much work in the last twelve months) or do the bloody food shopping. I'm feeling kinda neglected. Particularly since no one asks how I'm going or expresses any interest or makes an effort to include me in stuff. Apparently it's just too difficult.
Okay, so I'm feeling a little bitter since people seem to be extremely willing to flutter around 'poor fragile Sal' because her boyfriend broke up with her over a year ago (as if such a thing had never happened to anyone ever before) while I, who not only have rather more severe and definite emotional issues but also have a chronic illness that may or may not ever go away (with no definite cause and therefore no cure), I get thrust into the background, dropped into the 'too-hard' basket, glossed over by the same people as either not important enough to support or brushed off with the excuse that they haven't the energy to support anyone, even while they tell me about how they are supporting others.
On the other hand, I could be expecting too much. These days, it seems, expecting anything from anyone is too much. Excluding Psi, of course, who is wonderful.
Okay, so I'm feeling a little bitter since people seem to be extremely willing to flutter around 'poor fragile Sal' because her boyfriend broke up with her over a year ago (as if such a thing had never happened to anyone ever before) while I, who not only have rather more severe and definite emotional issues but also have a chronic illness that may or may not ever go away (with no definite cause and therefore no cure), I get thrust into the background, dropped into the 'too-hard' basket, glossed over by the same people as either not important enough to support or brushed off with the excuse that they haven't the energy to support anyone, even while they tell me about how they are supporting others.
On the other hand, I could be expecting too much. These days, it seems, expecting anything from anyone is too much. Excluding Psi, of course, who is wonderful.
19 comments:
well this is when i could go into the only thing that sucks about having friends in another country is that they're in another country but instead i'll say you have my email. i'm here. my responses might be filled with typos but i'm here. k? feel better babe.
Amen to that. Ta, hon. You are a beautiful person.
What stuff is there to include you in? Very little has acctually been going on latley. Added to this is the fact that many of your friends (Daren, Fox & Talen, for example) face silmiar transport issues that you do, one reason you see me when you do is because I'm mobile.
Dear girl you are very important to all of us, but life gets in the way, please try to understand.
Though all that said, this blog is a v-good way to keep intouch with friends & for them to keep in tough with you, and I think it was a good idea.
Well I am about to piss some people off.
Lets look at this post
"I feel awfully cut off from friends, since there is very little effort on the part of others"
"I'm feeling kinda neglected. Particularly since no one asks how I'm going or expresses any interest or makes an effort to include me in stuff. Apparently it's just too difficult."
hmmmm Let me see until sat 2 months ago when I made an effort pretty much none of my friends and either visited, called hell even e-mailed me for in some cases 6 to 12 months, hows that for neglect? and apart from GBR (may it run forever) and FOL (becuase I was talking to you when the game first was thought of and hence had a character with plot hooks) I have had to bullrush my way into any other game that I have heard of (sorry steve)
" I, who not only have rather more severe and definite emotional issues but also have a chronic illness that may or may not ever go away (with no definite cause and therefore no cure), I get thrust into the background, dropped into the 'too-hard' basket, glossed over by the same people as either not important enough to support or brushed off with the excuse that they haven't the energy to support anyone, even while they tell me about how they are supporting others."
Lets talk about Illness shall we
Yes You have got a moderate form of CFS (I say moderate becuase my cousin mellisa also has CFS and can literaly spend no more than 2-3 hours awake any day) and also suffer from clinical depression and these things preclude travel, Now flip the coin
Hook: Moderate nerological disorder that causes fits and blackout plus loss of moter skills, this is in part controled by medication witch in turn causes him to sleep a minimum 14+ hours a day have almost no short term memory skills, and the best one can have him just nod off with no warnng (have woken up at kiama station twice) then we have the crown possible clots in skull that theoretically if my bloodpressure was to rise enough could rupture causing well I wont notice anyway. Interesting thing is that this hasnt even been an issue in people expecting me places.
Now none of this has stopped me careing about others but after the umpteenth "I'm fine, just really tired" even somone as slow as me realises that you arent going to open up to me and tell me whats up so all I can do is hope that you will talk to someone (PS Simon thats your job LOL)
My dearest Karen you have done such a good job of pushing people away and keeping me back, you have no right to complain that you cant hear my support.
I am sorry if you didnt want to hear this, and understand if you want me to vanish (wont be the first time)
Hook
Steve has the right of it. Aside from our transport issues (as much as I hate it, I'm simply not fit enough to walk from our place to yours), Talen and I have had Jobsearch training for the last two weeks, which has all but tied us up on weekdays (plus we're looking for a new place to live and desperately trying to find the money to pay off our back-rent, since Centrelink saw fit to ignore our claim for the first few weeks after we applied). The only time we see /any/ of our friends (with the exception of Steve, because he has the mobility to drop around sometimes) at the moment is on role-play nights or at anime club.
I should add that this is precisely why I asked you about instant messaging, because it's a forum where I /can/ readily socialise while still doing the real-life stuff I have to do. And on that note - just to clarify, if you got the impression that my little diatribe about IM bitch/daddy had anything to do with you, you need to know that it didn't. You're actually a friend of mine, not just some random dork who found my SN.
Tim: teehee, you got the reference. And I know you do (on all counts). I just feel as depressed as all hell now because it's going on and on and I'm worse now than I was a year ago. Though everyone seems to be spectacularly bad this year (talking to my mother who is on OzMe, which is a board for people with ME, CFS and FMS). And it really does feel like all my dreams are impossible now, not just put on the back-burner, because I can't think clearly enough to do either PhD stuff or any actual writing.
Steve: It isn't a matter of what there is or isn't to include me in. It's a matter of just getting in touch occasionally or even asking how I'm going. Okay, you do it and so does Tim. Sometimes Naomi, as well. And I know people are immobile but I don't think people realise quite how stuck I am. I know people are busy but, in the end, you make time for the things you really want to do.
Hook: I know you face similar problems and that you are also very ill. And I worry about you endlessly and pray for you regularly. I enjoy your company and nothing you could say or do would make me want to just leave you to it. I love you dearly. And you were welcome in FOL all along: I always wanted to run it with you in it, something which is true for every game I've run.
As for opening up: you know this is something with which I have great difficulty but you are one of three people with whom I have been the most open, whether you recognise it or not. But this isn't a question of being open. I recognise that in your case I have been unfair because you do ask and I appreciate it. I would very much like to see you more often but I recognise the difficulty of this in your case, given illness. Plus, at the moment, so much of itis a matter of "I'm tired." It sums up the problem. I am tired, physicaaly and mentally exhausted. All the time. the only reason I do get out of bed is because my body aches and there are things which must be done. Don't vanish, don't ever vanish. But don't blame me if you decide to do so on your own account.
As for game stuff, at least you get to actually play.
Fox: I recognise the transport issue. And that people are enormously busy. I'm just tired and lonely and I can't trust my head to function for more than five minutes at a time, so everything is seeming worse than it actually is. I feel bad because I can't go and se other when I want to and feel neglected because others are not getting in touch with me. And the second paragraph of my post has more to do with Matt that anyone else, mainly because of him stating the fact that he is too tired to support anyone while he makes a huge fuss over Sal.
But I have Miranda (and an ICQ account): I'm just waiting for Psi to set it up properly because I'll probably make a mess of it. And I drop round every time I'm in town.
Karen, as difficult as this may be for you to grasp, perhaps, some of us:
1) Are ALSO depressed (depressed enough to have failed Uni repeatedly)
2) Have also been abused in the past and have longstanding issues because of it
3) Are disabled in some way (do you have any idea how debilitating Spina Bifida really is?)
4) Are busy
5) Feel that you make no effort whatsoever to spend time with them or even CALL them.
Sorry. Whining because people don't crowd around you because you're so TIRED and SICK and DEPRESSED is wearing somewhat thin. You are not the only tired, sick, depressed, disabled person on the planet. Where's my sympathy? You haven't even called me since you stood me up on my birthday. It doesn't expend much energy to pick up a phone... yet I'm expected always to drive you around, pay for things, etc.
One-sided friendship, if you ask me, and you're not the one who is hurting the most- emotionally and physically and financially.
Hate away. I'm not well enough today to even care.
-- Naomi
Naomi, don't even fucking try it. Considering your insistence that my illness is purely psychosomatic you are in no position to bitch about anything. I go out of my way to spend time with you, even when I don't feel well enough to leave the house, I only ask you for lifts anywhere if you are going to the same place, and I am always, without exception, the one who gets in touch with you. In short, you treat me like your bitch, so don't even vaguely think you can take the moral high ground here or accuse me of letting our friendship down.
At no point did I claim to be the only person in this position and, considering the fact that I have never bitched about being ill to anyone until the last three weeks and not at all to you, don't give me the "this is getting really old" line. You will also have to accept that I have apologised multiple times for missing your birthday dinner and it was, in fact, purely because of my illness that I forgot about it in the first place: my mind does not function as it once did and I forget everything. And you were the only person to even mention hate. I was expressing my feelings on the situation I find myself in, not indicating any form of dislike for anyone. I'm sorry that you have decided to put the worst possible slant on everything I've said and that you too are feeling lonely and upset but you cannot blame me for that considering the extensive effort I am always making for you, far more so than I do for anyone else.
Naomi, don't even fucking try it
Hurts to be disagreed with, doesn't it? I said this to Jules and I'll say it to you- I won't pamper your feelings, if you're talking bullshit I'll call you on it.
Considering your insistence that my illness is purely psychosomatic you are in no position to bitch about anything.
You're either deliberately misreading what I said or you're incredibly stupid.
At no point did I claim to be the only person in this position and, considering the fact that I have never bitched about being ill to anyone until the last three weeks and not at all to you, don't give me the "this is getting really old" line.
Karen, every time I DO actually see you all I get is "I'm so tired and ill." You either have a short memory or are deliberately skewing this. You certainly do NOT suffer in silence, trust me.
I only ask you for lifts anywhere if you are going to the same place,
Except, of course, those forty km / half hour round trips you expect me to make every time you want to go to church or if I actually, y'know, want to spend time with you, since I am never invited to your flat.
but you cannot blame me for that considering the extensive effort I am always making for you, far more so than I do for anyone else.
Jesus CHRIST, I pity everyone else, then.
I go out of my way to spend time with you
... when? When I DRIVE YOU to Uni? That's the only time you EVER spend time with me. When was the last time you invited me over? Invited me ANYWHERE? Rang me up? Gave me a personal email? Initiated an SMS? ANYTHING that I did not initiate?
In short, you treat me like your bitch
That's fucking rich. I'M certainly not the one who speaks to you like you're an idiot or a five-year-old, stands you up, messes you around, cancels dates, borrows multiple things and never bothers returning them, or says shitty things like "I'll only go to the movies if you pay for me" and "I'll only go to X if you drive."
I am not YOUR bitch. Yet, you constantly use me and are now attempting to use Hayley, even (it is NOT acceptable to smoke ten or more of her cigarettes in one go, twice a week, when you have your own.) Every time I DO SMS you or try to talk to you, you act like you're doing me a favour in bothering with me. You use me for my car, and if I want to spend time with you, I am always expected to pay for you AND myself. I am probably on the same fixed income as yourself and believe it or not, cars do not run for free. I wouldn't MIND driving you places if you returned with any kind of real friendship other than tacking "hon" onto the end of sentences.
Fine. In that case, you are talking bullshit and I'm calling you on it. You can fell as hardly done by as you like but don't blame me since I have now and have always had far more consideration for you than all of your other friends combined and frequently put myself out for you. Every single item of this comment is blatantly false, so get over yourself. If you feel this way about our friendship, then clearly it means even less to you than I thought it did, especially when every one of these criticisms is valid when applied to you.
Every single item of this comment is blatantly false, so get over yourself.
What a blanket statement- probably because you know you're a liar. Yes, you are a liar, as in, someone who lies. You HAVE said "I'll go to the movies if you pay" or "Only if you drive." You DO smoke all of Hayley's cigarettes and constantly cancel appointments. You NEVER invite me over. I DO drive you round-trips because you don't want to take a train or a taxi. Don't give me this random vague "I put myself out for you" because you KNOW you couldn't give a SHIT about me.
You still haven't personally addressed my questions: When was the last time you invited me over? SMS'd me and arranged to meet? Emailed me personally? Called me on the phone?
I've cried over this relationship. You make me feel like shit.
If you feel this way about our friendship, then clearly it means even less to you than I thought it did,
... If I feel so hurt and upset that you continually blow me off, use me, and treat me like shit that I CRY about it, I don't care much about our friendship?
Whatever you're smoking, I'd like some, because my reality is sucking hardcore right now.
By the way, your statement that "I treat you like my bitch" is ridiculous and isn't backed by any instances of fact. If you're going to make accusations, try to be a little less vague.
___ Naomi again
"I'll go to the movies if you pay" .. ?
Isn't that usually a way of indicating that you really can't afford it at the moment, although you'd like to go. There usually isn't a serious suggestion that you expect the other person to pay.
And in terms of blanket statements.. Pot, Kettle, Black?
"You're either deliberately misreading what I said or you're incredibly stupid."
"Yes, you are a liar, as in, someone who lies."
On another note:
You still haven't personally addressed my questions: When was the last time you invited me over? SMS'd me and arranged to meet? Emailed me personally? Called me on the phone?
Of Laurel-li's friends here, how many of them can honestly say she's done any of these to any of them? She's not exactly enthused about organising things due to the amount of energy it takes which she doesn't have.
And in terms of invites, she pretty much runs an always welcome no invite needed kind of deal.
And why all the shouting? I really get the impression that you are very upset at the moment, and should take a day or seven to calm down and make sure you're really feeling as cranky about all this as you're currently putting forward. Words like this put forward in such a way can be very hard to retract later on.
This is Laurel-li's blog. It is a place for her to put forward how she feels about stuff and what she thinks about foo. If there's something here you get particularly insulted or offended by then it might do you well to reread it a little while later after you've had time to think about it.. I notice the only mention of you in there is in terms of one of the people who actually help her out in this situation, and to turn around and make such a vicious attack against her for it is really unseemly.
those forty km / half hour round trips you expect me to make every time you want to go to church
I take it that you're also a Christian, and the church she's taking these 'round trips' to is yours, so that she can share in the service with you.. ?
And to cap it all off.. You're a Christian.. From anyone else this kind of thing could be acceptable, but "Where's my sympathy?" from a Christian really lets the side down.
What, christians can't get angry now?
Remind me to fling that one past Jesus next time he beats the crap out of moneylenders.
"I'll go to the movies if you pay" .. ?
Isn't that usually a way of indicating that you really can't afford it at the moment, although you'd like to go. There usually isn't a serious suggestion that you expect the other person to pay.
No, Karen was actually proposing I pay, and for half-a-dozen times, stupid me, I did, because I wanted to spend time with her.
When one is poor and cannot afford the movies, a remark like "I can't afford to, but maybe a video or something cheaper" is far less rude.
And in terms of blanket statements.. Pot, Kettle, Black?
"You're either deliberately misreading what I said or you're incredibly stupid."
"Yes, you are a liar, as in, someone who lies."
In the first instance, I was prepared to allow that perhaps Karen misunderstood what I had said re: her illness. In the second, for her to say "Every comment you just made is false" is a lie. A lie. That is what it is. No blanket statements, just one of fact. She said something which is not true, and which she knows is not true. In other words, a lie.
On another note:
You still haven't personally addressed my questions: When was the last time you invited me over? SMS'd me and arranged to meet? Emailed me personally? Called me on the phone?
Of Laurel-li's friends here, how many of them can honestly say she's done any of these to any of them? She's not exactly enthused about organising things due to the amount of energy it takes which she doesn't have.
That's not the issue. The issue is Karen's insistence that she is always the one to contact me and that she makes time for me a great deal, which she does not. Whether she blows of anybody else isn't the issue.
And in terms of invites, she pretty much runs an always welcome no invite needed kind of deal.
Every now and again I used to drop in on her. Never again. But I am prepared to admit that most people hate it when others do that to them so her vague hostility and lacking hospitality can certainly be excused in those instances.
And why all the shouting? I really get the impression that you are very upset at the moment, and should take a day or seven to calm down and make sure you're really feeling as cranky about all this as you're currently putting forward. Words like this put forward in such a way can be very hard to retract later on.
I have been upset about my relationship with Karen ever since, about, the time she moved to Coniston. This is an ongoing issue and not something I decided to be upset about this morning because I was bored.
This is Laurel-li's blog. It is a place for her to put forward how she feels about stuff and what she thinks about foo.
Yes, and I'm not proposing to stop her.
If there's something here you get particularly insulted or offended by then it might do you well to reread it a little while later after you've had time to think about it...
I did. I didn't comment for several hours and was still pissed off by her attack on her friends.
I notice the only mention of you in there is in terms of one of the people who actually help her out in this situation,
Actually, it's more a remark about my CAR helping her out. Which is part of my point.
and to turn around and make such a vicious attack against her for it is really unseemly.
Don't worry; after this I doubt I will ever read or comment here. But forgive me, I didn't realise that this is Karen's Fan Club of Glowing Praise.
She seems well capable of giving what she gets, which was part of my point in the first place. Her attitude towards those who love her because they don't cater to her every emotional whim is insulting to anyone who has ever cared about her.
"those forty km / half hour round trips you expect me to make every time you want to go to church..."
I take it that you're also a Christian, and the church she's taking these 'round trips' to is yours, so that she can share in the service with you.. ?
And to cap it all off.. You're a Christian.. From anyone else this kind of thing could be acceptable, but "Where's my sympathy?" from a Christian really lets the side down.
Clearly, you misinterpreted that remark. What I meant was not "I want sympathy" but "You have no right to attack your friends because you don't think they are sympathetic enough... sympathy is not a points system where you get x amount of sympathy for a disability and Y amount of sympathy for depression..."
And as for the Christianity... I did NOT make the comment above, but what I will say is- I am angry, and Christians do get angry because, well, we're human beings. Karen is angry. Karen is a Christian. I note you are not telling HER that she's an unacceptable example of Christianity because she is angry.
_ _ _ Naomi
As I said, you are in fact putting the most negative slant you possibly can on everything I have said. This was not an attack on anyone. In fact, the first half of it is not accusatory in the slightest, the second paragraph deals entirely with Matt (as both he and Darren should be aware), and the final paragraph is simply an expression of my bitterness over many many things, only part of which is the fact that I feel a little negelected.
As for details: you mean like all the specific instances you failed to include? The only reason I haven't used any specific instances is to avoid embarrassing you. So fine, lets deal with the vague details you have included, shall we?
Hayley's smokes: correction, I bum the occassional cigarette off her on the very rare occasions when I see her. In fact, I mostly smoke my own, and I always ask before taking one from her. You, on the other hand, do smoke all her cigarettes and mine, and you never ask me, you simply volunteer to smoke the one I've just rolled.
Paying: This is crap. I have not asked you to pay for anything. On the odd occasion, when I inform you that I cannot afford to do the thing that you are going to do, you volunteer to pay. However, it is hypocritical of you to complain about this considering the number of times that I (and more recently Psi and I together) have paid for your meal and/or coffe when we have gone out,at places that cost substantially more, so that you could afford to come out.
Driving: Yes, I have said that I could not go somewhere with you unless you could give me a lift. Again, this has been since I have been as ill as I am and is aboslute truth. I very rarely have the energy to travel anywhere, even if lifts are on offer. This is why I told Steve, with much regret because I really wanted to see it,that I could not go into town with him to see 'Howl's Moving Castle' whether he was driving or training it because I simply don't have the energy.So when I say I can go somewhere if you drive, it is because I am genuinely too tired to go ny other way. On top of that, in your case, I never ask for a lift unless you are going to the same place as I (for example, uni and church). You are always welcome in my home, and indeed I invite you round regularly, but you nearly always insist on me going to your place when you know I can't travel that far,especially since it indludes a 25 minute uphill walk to Wollongong Station. In fact, it is Steve who drives me around the most and he has been most gracious about doing so. You always receive just as much appreciation as he and he doesn't seem to have any complaints, though he could just be keeping it to himself. As for costs of driving, see paying. On the other hand, if they are useful to you, you can have some of our petrol vouchers from Woolies.
SMS: Three weeks ago,after which you were pissed off at me so I was leaving you to simmer down, the only approach that works with you.
E-mail: on your birthday, three weeks and 2 days ago.
Invited you round: 4 weeks and 1 day ago, when you insisted that I come to your place instead and I did so.
Question answered.
And yes, more often than not I call you. Whether you want to believe it or not, it is the case. Okay, I was using hyperbole (of the exact same sort that you continue to use) when I said never (see how ridiculous the xtremity of your claims are) but that doesn't change the fact that I am the active party in the relationship. We'll see each other, instigated by me. Then we'll spend some time together on and off over the next month or so, instigated by either of us. Then you stop getting in touch with me. Three months later, I call you and we repeat the whole farce again.
Comments regarding my illness: these were your exact words (while sitting at food rethought and it really upset me) - "In my opinion, your illness is mostly just psychosomatic." Quote. And while you may think that, that doesn't make it true. I think I'm entitled to some expresion of concern from my friends because that is part of being friends. I do my best to support all of my friends, especially you (which I will come back to), despite the fact that I have no resources to speak of; I think it only fair that I should receive at least some modicum of the same.
Blowing you off: Funnily enough, when you sms me at 5pm when I have been out all day and you want me to come Hayley's immediately, I am too tired to do so. I only 'blow you off' when I am genuinely too tired to go out. It is something you are going to have to accept: I am exhausted all the time. All the time. Going out is extremely draining and you refuse to come here. Yes, that is refuse. Therefore, every time I go out with you or go to your place I am making myself more tired for your sake.
On top of that, yes, I am always there for you, getting nothing for myself. Nearly every conversation between us is along the lines of:
N: My mother did this.
K: There there and other comforting noises.
N: My brother-in-law did this.
K. More comforting noises
N: [insert friend here] did this.
K: I think you're being a little unfair there.
N: I told her, when she's talking bullshit, I'll call her on it. And besides she did this too, and this. And, btw, all your friends are horrible people.
Sp yes, I considerably put myself out for you. All the time.
Btw, no one criticised you on the basis on getting angry. That said, I question whether or not your anger could be considered righteous anger.
By the way, I have no intention of replying to anything else in this journal... the entire thing gives me a headache and some of the issues I'd probably pursue are of a sensitive nature. You can comment if you like, it's your journal, but just to let you know- I won't see it if you post it here. I will read emails however and you are welcome to call me.
For those who care, I have deleted Naomi's last post because it went beyond offensive and included personal details that very few people know about. Those who wish to know what it said, feel free to email me.
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